Thursday, September 8, 2011


I am back staying/living in my grandma's attic. Last time was three years ago, it was temporary with a known end date. The company I worked for was moving down to Dallas, Texas and I was following. My lease ended 3 months before the move date and my grandma, thankfully, took me in. This time I am unemployed. The company is now closing it's doors. I got laid off July 1st. We were told back in December. The news was not a huge surprise. It's not the living with grandma or being unemployed that's bothering me, it's that in 6 months I'll be 30 and I thought I would be in a different place; maybe more settled and have a understanding of who I am by now. Instead I feel like I have more questions.

What am I passionate about? Why am I here (earth, not in my grandma's attic)? What's my purpose? I love to travel, love it but I look around and see people with stuff (house accessorises, clothes, dinners out, going out on Fridays) that I choice not to buy so I can save money, I wonder. Should I ride my bike for a week around Big Bend State Park in Texas ($900) or stay up in Minnesota? I want to move around and live in different states but there is a little tiny part of me that says 'let's stay in Minnesota'. Am I a runner? Am I a biker? Am I a traveler? Am I a cook? Will I be single my whole life? I want to do good, where do I volunteer? Where do I want my energy to go? I wish I could keep a journal. I have started so many but never kept it going/finished one. Recently I stumbled across The Journal Junkie Workshop, will it be helpful or wasteful? Why do I have so much mental anguish about my weight? How do I just let go?I have been told that before, just let go because I am/will be always changing. I don't even feel like I have a starting point. Is the 'future' me I 'dream' about really me? How come I cannot just be content? What is my 'brand'? Do I really want to get a similar job in the same industry? I have been thinking about getting two tattoos for the last three years ("I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave" down one side and a peacock feather down the other), why am I stopping myself? So many questions. Am I going through a quarter life crisis?

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